The Delusional Hope That Keeps Me Going

If you’ve been here a minute, you already know this: I spend all my extra time, money, energy, sanity, and brain cells on bracelets. Every spare dollar? Beads. Every spare hour? Taking 97 photos I hate, deleting them, and then somehow deciding the solution is ordering more beads. Every ounce of creativity I have goes straight into this tiny business that is absolutely not helping me financially but is definitely running my entire personality.

People see the cute stacks and the finished photos. They do not see me crawling around my bed like a cracked-out raccoon trying to find the one tiny bead that rolled away. They don’t see me editing a video for two hours just for it to get 32 views. They don’t see the Amazon driver showing up at my door like he’s on a first-name basis with me because I “finally found the perfect something” that will definitely, absolutely help this take off.

I pour literally everything into this little business. Not because it’s profitable (trust me, one $10 sale a week is not paying anyone’s rent), but because it’s meaningful to me. It helps keep me clean. It’s my recovery, my creativity, my sanity, my joy, and my hope all wrapped up into tiny wearable reminders. These little reminders carried me through some of the hardest parts of my life, and they still do. I want to share them with the world — all the way to the jewelry aisle at Target one day. Your girl has a dream. A big one.

But the truth is… I’m not making any money. Honestly, I’m losing money. I sell my bracelets for $10 and then I go buy beads from Hobby Lobby and Michaels like I’m a millionaire. Even on my best month, I barely cover Shopify, Etsy, the apps I need, and supplies. My time? Oh no, that’s charity work at this point... which is fine, for now. I have been SO blessed to have a mom who believes in me and shows up for me in ways I can’t even put into words. She is so incredibly generous, and she covers my bills while I finish my degree.

I’ve always worked. I’ve always been independent. I’ve always paid my own way. So needing help right now has been… humbling. Painfully humbling. But my mom has stepped in with so much love and so much faith in me that it breaks my heart in the best way. She believes in me on the days I don’t believe in myself. She shows up in ways I can’t even put into words, and I truly don’t know how I would be doing any of this without her.

And as grateful as I am, I also know this isn’t forever. I’ve got one semester left until I graduate with my AA. Then it’s time to go back to work. In a perfect version of my life, my little monetized Facebook page and this bracelet business would help support me while I get my bachelor’s and eventually my master’s — so I can stay super full-time in school and put all of my energy into the future I’m trying to build.

Because I want this. I want to make a real life for myself. I want to build something that matters. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to help people. I want to inspire people. And I want my bracelets — the same little reminders that helped pull me out of some very dark places — to become something bigger than I ever thought possible. I want people all over the world wearing them. I want them in boutiques. I want them in Target. I want the whole thing.

I know social media can be life-changing. I follow girls on here with little businesses just like mine — except theirs blew all the way up. They’re successful-successful. “Quit their job, bought a house, sold out their launch in 19 seconds” successful. And I sit there watching like… Why can’t that be me?

But the truth is…
It can be me.
Some days I believe it so hard it feels like mainlining hope. I start thinking, “Okay, if I just stay clean, keep doing the next right thing, keep showing up, God is gonna make all my wildest dreams come true.” And suddenly I’m motivated, inspired, borderline delusional — in a cute, productive way. I start to believe it's going to happen with my whole entire heart.

So I keep making bracelets.
Keep posting bracelets.
Keep spending my “extra” money (that I don’t actually have) on beads because “this new shade of gold will definitely change my entire life.”

But then I go a whole week with no sales.
No cha-ching.
No Etsy notification.
No “OMG I love your bracelets!!” message.
Just… silence.

And immediately I’m like:
“Okay so… am I being delusional? Again? Why do my dreams always feel like they need a reality check? Why do I do this to myself??”

Then the spiral hits:
Like seriously, Lauren… who dreams of being a professional bracelet maker? Be so for real. Get a grip. This is not Shark Tank. Nobody is out here saying, ‘Wow, her $10 bracelets are changing the world.’

My brain starts bullying me:
Your dreams are dumb, your bracelets are dumb, you’re dumb — just stop.

It’s dramatic, rude, and honestly?
Totally inaccurate.
But my brain loves a good meltdown.

It’s the cycle:
Hope → Hustle → Silence → Doubt → Meltdown → Beads Everywhere → Repeat.

Last night, I was cleaning up beads feeling discouraged, dramatic, and ready to pack it all up and become a mysterious hermit who lives in the woods with her dog. I was thinking, “Maybe this isn’t God’s will for me. Maybe I’m wasting my time. Maybe the beads have finally won.”

When I finished cleaning, I checked my phone and boom: a sale on Etsy.
One sale.
One $10 bracelet.
But listen… I celebrated like it was a thousand-dollar order. Because when you’re building a dream that feels impossible, anything feels like confirmation.

And then this morning, I woke up and opened my Just For Today and it literally said:

“We believe that our Higher Power will take care of us.”

Seriously?? The timing was so on point it felt like God grabbed me by the face and said, “Relax. I got you. Get back to beading.”

I don’t always know what I’m doing. Half the time I feel like I’m one inconvenience away from a dramatic monologue. But somehow, every time I get ready to quit, something tiny happens — a sale, a message, a reading — that pulls me back and reminds me I’m not out here doing this alone.

So here I am.
Beads everywhere.
Dog snoring.
Life still messier than my bead tray.
A bracelet maker with a big dream, a sarcastic sense of humor, and a Higher Power who keeps reminding me to chill out.

And just for today… that is enough.
(But if I could get more than one sale a week, that’d be great too.)

PS. If you read this far, comment something. Anything. A letter. An emoji. Your favorite snack. Just let me know I’m not talking to myself 😂💖